Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Love You But I Can't

Dear Micah,

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having dreams about you, more like nightmares. It dawned on me that you didn't love me. I think what you loved was the idea of a relationship and a family and since I in one with you, you thought you loved me. I thought about our relationship and why it went so far downhill and I hate that you've hurt me so much for so long and I hate that I allowed you to continue to do and just kept forgiving you for it. Whether you choice to believe me or not I did forgive you every time I just, you never allowed me to the time to forget it because you constantly made the same mistakes. How, how could you do that to me? How could you choose those other woman over me and our son? A man that loves us would have made the simple choice to never speak to them again since he doesn't understand the difference between right and wrong; what's appropriate and inappropriate. The day before my birthday why would you tell another woman how speechless you are by her beauty? Why do you only comment on the women's pictures that are provocative or luring? Why even like them? Days after our son was born why are you more concerned with other woman than him? You constantly put us second to those other woman. Even now, the days you don't concern yourself to ask about him or say you're too busy is bullshit. I know for a fact you're not to busy to talk to your "girl friends", not to busy to like their pictures and write to tell. I wish I knew anymore what I saw in you, I wish I knew before hand that you are a manipulative liar. You care for no one but yourself and if you think for a minute any of those woman wouldn't stop talking to you if their significant other didn't feel comfortable you're wrong. You're that guy those woman you chose feel sorry for and talk to just to kinda make you feel better about yourself not the other way around. Those woman don't need you, and the only people who did you didn't choose to fight to keep. You just threw us away like you have other options. I can't love you anymore, I don't want to love a man that can't grow up and make responsible choices, a man that's so selfish and cares only for his own selfish needs. I don't want to love a man that has made me more trust less and insecure about myself than I was before, more than any man has ever mad me feel. You're a child, a little boy that wants everything but doesn't understand or want to take on the responsibility of it all. You are wrong to ever think any woman would allow or be okay with their boyfriend to talk to other women the way you have, that anyone of them would be OK with not feeling attractive anymore. I'm a beautiful woman inside and out and you've brought out so much of the dark in me that I honestly never really thought I had inside. You have changed me and though you helped me in some ways for the better you've also changed me for the worse. You're right that we can't be together, because I could never be with you unless you choose us. You cant have both anymore, it would only be me and our son or the woman. I highly doubt though that you'd ever choose your family over them you just care to much about what they have to say and what they think of you. I hope one day you would make the right decision because if not I fear you will forever be alone. I love you but I can't.

Samantha 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

A Quote Kind Of Day




“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass... get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.”
 Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free




“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” 


Thursday, January 23, 2014

Make up Your Mind

Dear Micah,

I wanted to talk to you and figure out why we aren't together. I even told you we need to talk and I meant it but then I woke up this morning and my self preservation told me not to. I wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you and that I would like for you to give us another chance and not give up. Its just I don't understand how if you are telling me that you love me and miss me and the family we were; if you're telling me how hurt you would be if I dated a friend of mine and telling me how pretty I look and that I'm beautiful, and how you're constantly stressed out to the point that you're getting sick in part by me, then why aren't you with me? Why are you forcing yourself that hard not to be with me? Was I really that terrible to you that you would rather put yourself through that much pain? Or is it maybe all a lie, a game to play with me to make me think you care anymore when you probably don't? If this is that, if it is a game to you please stop. I do love you and I'm hoping you do too, hoping that you love me as much as I do you. If you want to be with me like you've said, then why don't you? Why keep pushing me out of your life when its from what you've told me so obvious that it is not what you want? Can't you see it? You want to be with me and I want to be with you so stop pushing me away please because I can only be pushed to far.

I love you,
Samantha

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Detoxing Off You

Dear Micah,

I've had a lot on my mind lately but, it was all such a mess in my head that I couldn't figure out what to say. I saw you two days ago. We spent the day together with our son and it was hard, its always hard. I feel like the days after, I spend detoxing off of you. It hurts and all I want it you. I want just a little bit of you, to talk to you or see you or feel you for just a second. Its like getting a quick fix until the next time. It gets so hard to breathe, so hard to think for at least the first four days after I see you and then when they pass I start to think I'm ok. I think to myslef that I'm fine, I'm ok without him, I'll be ok without him. I can't breathe those first days and I hate it. When I'm finally ok you're back and its just a constant painful cycle that feels like its never going to end. I love you, I love you so much it hurts. When are you going to stop hurting me? Please, please stop hurting me.


I love you,
Samantha

Friday, January 10, 2014

Dear Me

I have to start dating again. Am I ready? No I'm not. I dont want to be with anyone else but him but, I know dating will help me to forget him and fast especially since he will be in my life for quite some time. I constantly have to remind myself that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He has given up on me. The one man I thought would never do that, the one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. He has given up and doesn't want to be with me. Ready or not Samantha, you have to start dating. Ready or not, you need to move on.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

A Good Day

Dear Micah,

Today I feel is a good day. Today I feel like I'll be okay without you. I know the only reason I feel this way is because I haven't seen you in about a week and I know that when I do, I will miss you all over again and that hurt will just come right back. How do I do it? How do I go on with the rest of my life not wanting to be with you when I have to see you? I love our son I just wish this whole things with us wasn't happening. For the past few days I've been getting lost in movies. I watch them and they make me realize that I will be okay. It will take time but I will be okay and I will find someone that deserves me and whom I deserve. It just, I forget when I see you that I'll be fine and that's hard. Reminding myself everyday that I will be fine, that's the hard part.


Love,
Samantha

Monday, January 6, 2014

Movie Therapy

Dear Micah,

Aside from my newly found writing I have also enlisted the help of movies to help me see a future without you that is hard for me to see on my own. I must say it helps, for that moment in time it helps. I know you don't think this way but you need to understand that emotional cheating is just the same as physical if not that then its worse. It's worse because you can't change your emotions, you can't change sex if you were to have cheated but you can stop it and move forward from it. Emotionally cheating you can't escape and you can't change it because all you want is that in which the other person hasn't given you. I feel guilty for that. I feel like I'm the reason you searched for that comfort elsewhere but, I'm also furious with you because all the time you were hurting me I never searched for comfort from anyone. I never wanted it from anyone other than you. I wondered if I had just left it alone and let you continue doing what you were doing if it would have been better or would I have then seeked that same kind of comfort myself from another man. What would that have solved then?

With all my love,
Samantha

Not the best of days

Dear Micah,

I couldn't control my tears this morning. It hurts so much. I miss you so much. I miss how happy we were before. I think about everything before that first argument and everything was so perfect. Its constantly going through my mind that not being together means I don't have you. It means that someday you'll be with someone else and happy with that person. As much as all I want is for you to be happy what I want more than that is for you to be happy with me. I want us to be together as a family with our son but, I know that won't happen because you can't try anymore and in part its my fault. I wish with all my heart that you don't really give up on us and I hope you'll come back to me and realize that we are perfect for each other. Yes we fight a lot but I think it's because we moved to fast and because we both can't let things go. I think if we took the time to really understand each others feelings and really forgave each other then we could move forward. We are so open with each other and have the same sense of humor. We have the same thoughts almost all the time. We are practically made for each other, so why can't we move past this? One thing that really bothered me that I don't think you understood or maybe I never said it, one thing is that you didn't give me the closure I needed to forgive you. You hurt me and when you did you never just said I'm sorry, I love you, please forgive me. That's what I really wanted from you and I never got that, so I couldn't let it go completely. You always defended yourself or the other persons actions and feelings. Every time you did that you made me feel like my feelings didn't matter. Like how I felt about the subject was stupid and ridiculous, that it was not a big deal so whatever. How am I suppose to trust you when that's what I'm seeing and hearing, you didn't even show me you were sorry. I love you but you've hurt me and it always felt like you didn't care that you did because you didn't see it as wrong.

                                                      I love you still,
                                                          Samantha


Dear Micah

Dear Micah,

I don't know where to begin. There is so much I have on my mind. We broke up almost 2 days ago from today, it was and still is hard. I love you and I know you don't understand how because I have treated you so mean for so long. I'm sorry for that. I love you but, I've been so hurt by you and I feel like you've never given me the apology I deserved for the things you've done. You always had an excuse or reason or something to say but none of it ever justified it so it was pointless. If you would have just said I'm sorry without anything else added I honestly would have been able to forgive you and move on. Micah you never gave that to me so between you constantly repeating your mistakes, never having a proper apology for them, and without your remorse (for lack of a better word) for your actions; how on earth did you expect me to stop being upset with you? 

                                                 I love you always,
                                                       Samantha

First time

Today is January 5, 2014. Today is the first day of my blog. I've never done this before and have not the slightest clue of what to say. What do people talk about? I've seen only a few blogs and most of the time people just talk about there fashion and makeup. I don't know what to say regarding those subjects seeing as I'm not the "fashionista", so I'm going to just talk about you. "You" are the man in my life that I love and have a beautiful child with. "You" are the man that has hurt me more than words can say yet is still the person I can't picture my life without (tragic I know, but who are you to judge? This is my life and my story not yours). "You" are the man I am writing to in hopes of something to change all that has happen and for us to be together and happy again. So these are my letters to you. 


Dear Micah...